I didn’t understand what happened, one minute we are having a great conversation over lunch and the next thing I know she is totally shut down.
It’s like a switch was flipped and she was gone.
I know it was something that I said… I just didn’t know what?
That was years ago, before I had uncovered the 5 painful, heart-breaking and sometimes relationship-wrecking communication mistakes.
I wish I had learned about these 5 mistakes years ago, before the divorce and two broken engagements. Some people say that ignorance is bliss, but they are wrong, very wrong.
Not knowing what these mistakes are… how to identify them… and most importantly…how to avoid them was very costly and painful.
You may not know what they are… YET!
But let me tell how to know when you have made one of them. I sure you will recognize these symptoms.
The biggest symptom is one I call the LISTENING SWITCH – make any one of these 5 mistakes and it’s like you flipped a switch and your lover will stop listening – almost instantly!
It’s like they just hit an emotional overload and automatically switched off, they blow a fuse, they tripped an emotional breaker. Okay enough with the metaphors – you get the point.
And… some people have fragile switches, look at them wrong and it’s over. And here’s the hard part… once the breaker is tripped, you have to find their breaker box and reset the switch.
WARNING: Once the switch is flipped – you go from having a loving and compassionate conversation with your lover – to defending yourself against an enemy attack from someone who wants to let you to know you hurt their feeling – by trying to hurt yours.
Another way to know if you made one these mistakes is when an intimate conversation… suddenly turns into a cold, distant, reserved, defensive argument in seconds… and you may not even know why. You are sitting there thinking to yourself, what did I say?
You may never know you did wrong, only that it suddenly got very quiet – or load – or angry. And… now you are walking on egg shells. How confusing, frustrating and upsetting is that? Man, it’s just not fair. And… you end up settling for one word – one way conversations…
The problem here is that once they have turned off the listening switch, it becomes increasing harder and harder to turn it back on… to get them to trust again, to open their ears, their mind and their heart again… to be willing to be vulnerable again. It can takes hours, then days, then weeks and then they are done, it’s game over and any chance to turn things around is gone… the only thing that’s left is regrets.
Make these mistakes every once in a while, even accidentally, and you will hurt your lover’s feelings, they will also feel confused, misunderstood and maybe even attacked… becoming either defensive or attacking back. Now that sucks doesn’t it? Someone is sleeping on the coach tonight.
Make these mistakes more often and it leads to lost trust, intimacy, connection, no romance and a none-existent sex life. At this stage you both still love each other… but are having a hard time living together, the fire is going out fast and you are starting to wonder if it’s worth-while to stay together.
Make them too often… and it’s over! There really is a point of no return, no more do-overs… just the heart-break of separation or divorce, meaning the loss of your loved one and the death of your dreams of happily ever after.. No joke – broken hearts, destroyed self esteem, questioning your self worth…
You may think I’m being overly dramatic here. NOT SO! The problem is most people don’t pay attention in time, they miss their chance to do something, to turn it around before it’s too late. Don’t wait until your teeth are falling out before going to dentist and don’t wait until they move out before realizing there is a problem and trying to get your relationship back in shape.
If you are feeling a little confused and overwhelmed by the whole subject of relationship communication…
It’s not your fault, most of us weren’t taught the secrets to great relationship communication, so of course you didn’t know any better… but if you want things to change, to get better, it is your responsibility. You know have an answer in your hands.
A communication method that will help you to open their ears and hear you, open their minds and understand you and open their hearts and listen with compassion
The 5 compassionate and courageous communication habits you need to develop if you want what you say to be heard, understood and valued.
What you are about to discover a simple compassionate communication method that leaves both people feeling heard, understood and valued. SOUND GOOD?
That is the purpose of this book, to take you by the hand, and walk you step-by-step, though a set a 5 simple, and powerful compassionate communication habits that leave both people feeling heard, understood, and valued.
And isn’t that what we all want… even crave… in a relationship. To be HEARD… To be UNDERSTOOD… and to be VALUED!
With possibility, purpose and passion,
Paul Sterling
Your Relationship Communication Coach
PS. In case you are curious and want to know what the 5 mistakes are…
mistake 1) Case Building
mistake 2) Story Telling
mistake 3) Message Assuming
mistake 4) Cup Stuffing
mistake 5) the Fatal F’s
I cover them all in detail in…
STOP… In The Name Of Love
PPS. When I say heard, understood and valued… these 3 things are critical so let me say a little more about each of them…
Heard: let me be blunt here, most people have this ass backwards. I know I sure did. They believe the myth that says, the more you talk, the more chance you have a being heard and understood… the people who believe this myth end up going on… and on… and on… until you tune them out completely, ignoring everything you say. The truth is the complete opposite! For communication to be heard… it needs to be done in small chunks, sometimes even tiny ones. If it’s really important and emotional you may need to go a sentence at a time.
Understood: Dr. Rosenberg, the psychologist that taught me Nonviolent Communication says that “The normal outcome of most communication is misunderstanding.” This is especially true if the issues are important and emotional and sensitive. If people perceive they are being misunderstood, or being made wrong or being attacked, they tend to get defensive, attack back, often building into painful conflicts and knockdown drag out fights..
You may want to know, there is a secret to instantly clear up misunderstandings and make sure that you were both heard… and more importantly understood. It’s a simple, powerful and effective tool called a feedback loop.
Valued/appreciated: what’s it feel like to you when you don’t think your lover is hearing… or understanding what you have to say? The bottom line is most people don’t feel respected, appreciated or valued by their lover. What happens to the trust, intimacy and passion — it’s right out the door. It also ends any possibility for open and honest communication
To discover the 5 does… and don’t to intimate and compassionate communication, click here instantly download a copy my new book
