Steven asks:

 “How do I handle it when my wife breaks the "rules" it seems trying to implement anything she keeps twisting the topic to something else, making things my fault, ultimately blaming everything on me, but stating she doesn’t do what she is doing. I’m working on this alone. My wife is "done" and unwilling to try anything, she left so we are separated but she hasn’t asked for a divorce. I want to save us, I feel she’s killing me for trying to.“

The important thing to remember in a situation like this is that you’re trying to connect to the other person’s feelings and needs – always the feelings and needs from the 4 Step Communication formula  – no matter what they say to throw you off.

Using the Magic Relationship Method takes a lot patience and persistence.  It requires stepping back from a situation and the words being directed toward you so that you can see the overall situation. 

When your wife turns the discussion back to how wrong you are, ask her, “Are you feeling ___ because you’re needing ___.”  As you’re learning the 4 Step Communication Formula, you’ll probably have to keep your lists of the feelings and needs right in front of you during one of these conversations.  It’s difficult to remember all of the feelings and needs AND keep your perspective at the same time.  Here’s a link to the lists – look at the right hand column of the page:  http://www.magicrelationship.com/articles.htm .

I’d like to give you some empathy for the pain you must be in around this situation.  You say “I feel she’s killing me for trying to work on the relationship.”  What is the true feeling here?  What you’ve given is a thought – that she’s trying to kill you.  I’m wondering if you’re feeling some anxiety, disappointment or frustration?  Do any of those hit home for you?

And then I’m wondering if — around your efforts to save the relationship – you’re needing understanding, acknowledgement and maybe some appreciation for how hard you’re trying?